Her name is Rios and she dances on the sand... (nebulaeinbloom) wrote,
Her name is Rios and she dances on the sand...
nebulaeinbloom

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Wow, this journal is so old. And neglected.

 But that's good and I have an angry, bitchy, un-fluid entry.  I can't sleep and have repressed thoughts.

-I should be JOYFUL right now.  I should give thanks.
-I am finished with cancer treatment and am probably cured of it.
-I live in a house that lacks the presence of my stepfather.
-I am back in college and actually not hating it at the moment.
-I have a husband who loves me and continually supports me.

BUT I'M STILL FUCKING ANGRY SOMETIMES.
And I do why for some of it, but much of it is still for reasons unknown.

-I am so jealous of others that it feels as though it is killing a part of me.  It isn't envy; these people are my friends and I do not want them to be unhappy.
-I should not  compare myself to them; we all are completely different and have had different factors affecting our lives that produced a wide array of outcomes.
-But I am trying not to hate myself for the reasons why I am not in the same good house/good job/on our own/stable/healthy/happy.
-I still feel a surge of burning repugnance surge within me when I hear or see my stepfather in person.
-He doesn't have a key, but shows up without knocking at our house where he shouldn't be.
-My mother, whom I love and respect from years of selfless parenting, I now want to throw against a wall for allowing herself to remain his whore in order to survive.

I feel like God sort of punished me with cancer and having to go through it because I have been bad.  For a long time.  But specifically for the eating disorder and the mutilation. Maybe that was His way of showing me that I should appreciate my life and to quit bitching and showing some appreciation.  I feel like I can't and won't have a "deep, meaningful" relationship with God as long as I am angry.  I don't know.

Is it irrational to believe I got sick as a punishment?  I've been told that I am irrational.  A lot.  I do not disagree, but is it bad enough to warrant needing professional help?

I want more.  More of everything.  I want way too much.  More time.  More motivation.  More skill.  More respect.  More money.  More confidence.  More...everything.

I want to run away with Eric to some place completely new, just us, but we can't...because of me.  Because I was bad and it made me get sick and we had to spend money on medical bills instead of saving for own house and fun things we should be doing as a newlywed couple.

Is it wrong to be greedy right now??

I want to get over the self-deprecation hump, but I really do think I am just a selfish, little bitch sometimes.  But how do I go about fixing myself??

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